Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry