Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

My safe word is Worcestershire

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳