Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

The Birdles

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away