Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.