Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.