Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*