Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You Might Also Like
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.