Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You Might Also Like
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My five year plan is a meteorite
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals