Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

another case of gang violins

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix