Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You Might Also Like
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.