Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Message from the dog groomers
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”