@caithuls

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

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@AaronFullerton

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

@maurajbg

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

@markleggett

If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.

@notalogin

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@dril

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

@delusions_of

My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you