HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Donkey Kong sommelier
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
This makes total sense…
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Breaking news:
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: