Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You Might Also Like
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
who named him groot and not spruce lee
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.