Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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Just me and my debit card against the world
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”