Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!