Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
pep talk
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Spring of Deception
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year