Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

i- i did not expect this

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

🤯🤯🤯

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook