Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
