Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga