Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

had to share :’)

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade