Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.