Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
LMAO.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.