Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
when you order from DoorDastardly
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
2022 be like
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake