Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

I need to get some bricks…

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.