Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I basically called this earlier today
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.