Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Investing in beetcoin

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Weighing up my bread heating options

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…