Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Baller is short for ballerina
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.