Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Me, reading some of your tweets

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol