Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
blocked.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident