HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I put the mess in domestic.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
