HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Golf would be better with landmines.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*