Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”