Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Adultry does not sound fun at all

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

I know this now 😂

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows