Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?