Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

😂😂

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”