Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Genius idea!!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
new wife guy just dropped
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]