Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.