Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.