Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life