@4SLars

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

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@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@juliussharpe

Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?

@Chumpstring

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

@Stellacopter

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

@madcaplaughs30

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.