@4SLars

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

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@pilau

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

@FunnyCauseImFat

At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.

@SteveMartinToGo

Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”

@dksc4life

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

@MikeMcNeil_

wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”

me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.