Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder