If I was a superhero, I would be “not right now” man.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.
Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”
me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.