Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.


Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.


“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.


Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.


I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.


I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.