Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.