Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

The answer is funnier than the question

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.