Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Saturday
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”