Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Y’all ready for this
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.