Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Shoo shoo! 😂

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

FRED: right

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.