Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.