him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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Children of the corn 🌽
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Happy thanksgiving
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.