him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
How do you milk an almond?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.