him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Finally, an explanation.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
How dude HOW?!
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?