him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Monday?
No. Next question.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.