Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
You Might Also Like
Always 🥴
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
my dad has had enough
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?