Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards