Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
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4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope