Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.