Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*Seductively hides in the woods