Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”