Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Tell me you get it…🤣

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.