Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
sometimes i miss this memes
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I