Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Good morning