Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar