Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”