Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.