Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!