Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

bury ourselves

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.