Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.