Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Well, that didn’t work.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

you could not pay me to delete this app

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead