Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*