Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.