Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Storm Tropical Storm
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid