Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material