Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

😭🤣

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?