Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t